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Tag Archives: The Irrepairable Past

Time To Wake Up

It’s been an interesting few weeks.  Or I should say an incredibly un-interesting few weeks.  As I have described to several friends, I feel like I’m hibernating.  Things are slowing down, I’m conserving energy.  I sleep a lot when I have the chance.  There are lots of reasons for this.  (pssst, it’s called depression, but don’t tell anybody, and, please don’t worry, I’ll be fine).  I haven’t written anything for a couple of weeks.  Fiction, that is.  Even more significantly, I haven’t really even thought about it.  That part of my brain has shut down lately.  No longer frustrated by the lack of time I have to write, I have apparently accepted it, at least for the time being.

hibernating bear

It’s actually one of the things I set out to do a few weeks ago.  I read parts of Mindfulness Yoga, (confession time: the initial version of this post referred to this as Mindless Yoga) at least through the portion that describes meditation.  And started to meditate.  I don’t do it every day.  In fact, it’s been more than a week since I sat on the floor and assumed the position.  But, what I have done almost every day is found a moment or two here and there to “meditate” in my own way.  Slowing down, breathing, focusing inside rather than thinking about outside.

That first day I sat and tried to meditate, I focused on this one thought.  Letting go.  It’s what I’m trying to do even when I’m not meditating.  Letting go.  The frustrations that have piled up blocking my view of the rest of my life.  I’m trying to let go of them.  One of those is what I wish I could do with respect to writing.  I simply don’t have the time, energy, or opportunity to write as much as I would like.  So, I need to slow down.  And accept it.  There are other things I need to let go of as well.  There are changes to be made.

I’m hibernating.  Conserving energy.  I’ve started thinking lately about changes to come.  Some of those changes will be felt around here.  I started this blog about a year and a half ago, blogging intermittently until a year ago, when I decided to do the loony and commit to blogging every day.  Hell, if Andrew Sullivan can do it, why can’t I?  He has a staff who helps, you say.  Pshaw!!  I fulfilled my commitment for more than six months before realizing it was, well, loony.

In the days ahead, I’m going to be dividing my blogging between three blogs:

http://www.markpaxson.com — my blog about writing.  I created it earlier this year when I decided to start the self-publishing venture.  I should establish a website with my name on it for people to find me.  And, then I didn’t do much with it.  So, for 2013, any thoughts I have about writing, publishing, and all that will be found at markpaxson.com.  Any time I post there, I’ll probably link to it here, but, who knows.  In the crush of time, I tend to forget things like that.

kingmidgetramblings.wordpress.com — this, my first blog that finally took off, will be for just about everything else.  Thoughts.  Politics.  Interesting tidbits.  Pictures of food.  Songs that move me.  Moments of time found through the lens of my camera.  Whatever comes to mind about life.

And, well, that other blog that I told you all about a few months ago.  The one about turning the page.  Hope you remember it, because I won’t repeat it here.  All I’ll say is this … there are a lot of other changes ahead and I may end up chronicling them there.

I set out in 2012 to do a lot of things.  I believe part of the reason hibernating now (isn’t that a much better way to describe it?) is recognizing I couldn’t get it all done.  I achieved a lot, but not all of it.  I’m now trying to figure out how to address where I missed it and how to re-adjust my goals.  I self-published three books, barely selling enough to cover my costs, which were minimal.  The fourth book I intended on publishing still awaits its fate.  I’m not going to throw it out there like the other three and “just see what happens.”  I need to figure out a better way to do it.  As I’ve indicated, I’m submitting that book to the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award 2013 contest and see what happens.  If that fails, I’m going to look for an agent or publisher for it.

I also will continue working, as the mood strikes me, on the other novels I’m working on.  The Irrepairable Past is a story that means something to me and, I think, it has incredible potential.  I believe I’ve got it right so far and I don’t want to screw it up.  I’ll keep taking my time with it and see what happens over the next few months.  To the extent I work on existing projects, that will be my focus, but it has to happen at its own pace.

2013 awaits.  This is not about making resolutions.  It’s not about identifying goals and achieving anything in particular.  Instead, it’s about this.  I’m still hibernating.  In my slumber, I’m thinking about what I need to do in the year ahead.  About what I want to do in the year ahead.  About how I can end 2013 better than I started it.  It’s about figuring out ways to tame the demons and find happiness and contentment.

Day #1: How Are You Starting?

Courtesy of I Saw You Dancing, I now know I’ll have a topic for each day to close out 2012.  Day #1:

How are you starting this last month of 2012?

Take a moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath and ask yourself the question: how do you feel…

… in your body? in your mind? in your day job? in your creative life? in your heart?

It’s a post-NaNoWriMo world and I’m writing now.  Working on The Irrepairable Past today, with an outline for the remainder of the story.  Something I have not had in the past.  I fully expect to write a couple thousand words on the thing today.

I’m also undergoing an effort to address some of the things that bedevil me — at home, at work, in my life.  Some of those efforts will be external, but most will be internal.  I am reading Mindfulness Yoga, will soon begin Rod Stryker’s The Four Desires, and am exploring ways to achieve inner peace for the first time in a loooong time.  The things that bedevil me will always be there, the question is whether I allow them to control me.

I’ve tried reading things like these books in the past, but I don’t think I was entirely open to them.  It’s time for me to figure out some of the mysteries of my life.  Olivia O’Bryon wrote about the difference between becoming and being.  It does a good job of describing my dilemma.  I’ve spent most of my life becoming something.  It’s time for me to stop trying to become something and be.

Debra Kreps writes that she is starting this final month of December 2012 by gathering roses.  I don’t think I’m ready to gather roses yet.  I first need to figure out how to find and then see them.

NaNo This

The good:  I completed part III of The Irrepairable Past.  And have made major strides in the mental process of writing the remaining parts.  Talked through the arc of the remain story with Guest Blogger, tossed an idea or two to the side, adopted a couple of new ideas.  The story is pretty much now laid out in front of me.  Just a question of putting the words to paper.

The bad:  Argh.  Couldn’t even make it to 10,000 words this month.  Had a non-work work project that took up too much time and mental energy.

It’s a NaNo World

I’m approaching 6,000 words and the completion of Part 3 on The Irrepairable Past.  Whether or not I like any of it is a whole different story.

I’ve written a few hundred words on Deviation and started another story with a few hundred words.

So, grand total as dinner approaches on a Sunday evening is nearing 7,000 words.  I will not put my laptop away tonight until I can credibly say I’m at 7,000 — whcih is still woefully behind the NaNo target.

There’s still tomorrow and Tuesday.

A NaNo Haiku

All these words I write

Still not enough for the goal

Work towards it still

 
I dedicated yesterday to writing, which really means this.  Woke up around 6:00, read the paper, blogged and surfed the internet for a bit, yoga’d for 40 minutes, started the laundry, wrote a bit (small bit), hit the grocery store, had lunch, wrote a bit (small bit), continued the laundry, took a short nap … began writing for real.

Writing for real looks like this.  Open Word document, write a few paragraphs, check my email, fold clothes, write a couple of paragraphs, play Words with Friends, write a few paragraphs, check WordPress, write a bit more, get a snack, write, more laundry, start the bread, write — oh, during all this time, the Steelers are on TV, so, well, yes, must watch — make a move on the chess game I’ve got going at chess.com, write, form bread, laundry, get a beer, write, post on Facebook, write, laundry, bread in the oven.

You get the idea, I think.  Writing for me, is not a focused activity.  Rarely has it been that way.  Yesterday, I managed to write 2,200 words on The Irrepairable Past.  I thought after dinner I would try working on Deviation a little bit, but I was pretty much done with writing.  So, I read instead.

As of the end of day four, I’m at about 4,400 words — about 2,200 words short of the four-day target.  That’s OK though — I made progress on a story that’s been sitting for far too long.  The only question now is whether it’s good progress.

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